le_roy

Wow it has been forever and for that I am sorry. I just don't like to post something until I am sure it is conclusive... Since Christmas break something had changed between me and Chelsea, I noticed it in the way she would talk to me the number of emails and just a sense that something wasn't going exactly right. I didn't push the issue because I dislike it when people pry before I am ready and against my own gut instinct decided to wait for her to come to me. Well I finally know what was wrong she didn't feel our relationship was working and thus decided to send me a "dear John" Email. This was Sunday night and since then I have been quite surprised at my own reaction... I expected it to hurt more. I expected something other than what I am feeling. All I feel is relief that I finally understand what is wrong... no pain at losing her no anger at the possibility that she may have misled me when deciding not to visit... nothing. This has led me to question myself in wondering why I don't feel it. My first reaction would be that I wasn't truly emotionally attached if I didn't feel any pain, but something tells me this isn't right I know I cared for her and still do. A second possibility is that I am just so screwed up that I am jaded to any pain whatsoever to the point that I subconsciously ignore it entirely. That seems more like something I would do but still doesn't feel right. Lexi offered up the possibility that it has only been a day and hasn't hit me yet but that doesn't seem right. Anyway I don't know why I feel this way, because I know I don't feel relief from being out of the relationship and nothing I can come up with really fits me or makes sense.... It also has gotten me to wondering why I can't hold a grudge. Why can't I be normal and be upset about these things I just don't understand, is it something I lost along the way.... along with my sanity of course. I just wish for once I could actually not forgive someone for what they do to me as they were doing it. Oh well thats all I can come up with for now... I will probably update soonish

Current Mood: confused

So strange things have been going on in my life... well not really strange just interesting. Inside as of late I have felt as if something hasn't been quite right as though something is missing or my personality is returning to the way it was in the past when I wasn't exactly what you would call happy with who I was. Anyway nothing to do about that until I really understand that more so on to things I can actually deal with.

only 28 days. 28 days till Chelsea comes in and I am getting anxious we still talk a lot and i care about her a lot but I don't understand how she returns the feelings, she compliments me and I just don't see it... but that is pretty much what I always do no matter who is paying the compliment so thats nothing new. but I still can't wait for her to get in... any ideas for a christmas present?? I have some ideas just need to make sure they will work.

Now on to the past few weeks. Two weeks ago Friday I got some terrible news, one of my best friend's, he was my neighbor for most my childhood and I probably spent as much time in his house as my own and was practically part of the family, mom passed away. She was a great freind of my families but more important to me she was at times like a second mother.

then last week tuesday I went out to Matt's 21 birthday diner at the Gritty, and the next day my I pod was gone!! I couldn't find it anywhere and didn't hear if fall out of my pocket so all I can assume is someone came in my room while I was in Jordans and took it or in my stupidity I dropped it. So I go home... I go hunting feeling quite pissed as is natural for losing something so expensive and sit in the woods and see NOTHING. So that was pretty boring but it gave me time to think... and sleep. So after an entirely uneventful I go home and talk with some people at home, all of which are extremely suprised and barely recognize me with my big old beard(I am red beard yar). And my brother comes home from Milwuakee cause he spends his weekends there to get away from the rents and is carrying a bag which he hands to me and says happy birthday/ christmas/the next few years. Inside is a new I pod... then he tells me to dig through everything before opening to ensure its not just in my room... so now I am confused cause he and I get along... but not that well so I am confused and shocked but altogether happy about that.

School... well my grades are goin up a bit lately so thats good... my housefellow application is due in 6 days and I haven't really started... but I plan to move in with Doug Pat Rob(grumpy/ bubbles not crazy rob)and someone rob knows if I don't get the job

Well things aren't going the greatest now and I couldn't tell you why just a deep feeling within myself that something isn't right that everything is wrong and will soon come crashing down around my head... Well I sort of know why I am feeling this way but don't really want to go into explaining it

Current Mood: pissed off

Abortion? It is the womans body it is her choice
Death Penalty? Too expensive and an ineffective deterrant as most people deserving of it don't really care if they die
Prostitution? We should regulate it it would keep it safer and bring in money rather than spend money stopping it and making it less safe for the women
Alcohol? I drink on occasion but all things in moderation.
Marijuana? I don't do it and never have but you are welcome to experiment.
Other drugs? I wouldn't ever do them but like before so long as it doesn't hurt me its your life not mine
Gay marriage? Legalize it already it isn't like it causes problems to anyone
Illegal immigrants? get a better system and stop letting people mooch off of the system get those that are willing to help the US by working and paying taxes
Smoking? I don't and I don't like my friends doing it
Drunk driving? DON'T FUCKING DO IT!!!
Cloning? In the case of organs and stem cells go for it but our population is too big as it is
Racism? there is really no point to being racist and all it does is prove the lack of worth of the racist more than anything else
Premarital sex? Be safe and protect yourself and make sure it is with someone you truly care for and cares for you
Religion? I used to be a Catholic now I am not so sure I question too much I still believe the basic things but the deeper the rules go the more hypocrisy and beurocracy I see and I just can't agree with it
The war in Iraq? It was coming eventually but I could have been handled better and we didn't need to do it yet
Bush? I understand why he did the things he did. I just disagree with the reasoning almost entirely
Downloading music? I am a thief in the night muahahahahaha
The legal drinking age? should be lower than the legal driving age that would fix a lot of problems in the US because if we look at many european countries
Porn? I am reminded of a quote from a guy I met "Porn is the greatest comedy ever made"
Suicide? I walked that path already so I understand it to some degree but everyone must find the strength within yourself to be strong enough not to do it

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this in your LJ and see what I say about you?

So ya got the throat culture yesterday... got the call today i got mono.... so fo about a month i should feel like I am dying... always good especially considering the fact that I need to still work for school and such

Candy since you are pretty much the only person that I can think of that reads this I figure I will just basically tell you exactly what has gone on in the past few weeks since you are never online for me to tell you... Anyway past few weeks have sorta been shit... first my grandma goes into the hospital for chemo... got really sick and had us scared for a bit because what she has ussually kills in 3 to 5 years and this is her 3rd year... well she got a bit better and we are hoping she can keep going strong... well then I go out for my trip to pennsic... but before I leave I get into an accident no one hurt but a fine for me... then while driving through Indiana I doze off... after a day of work and not sleeping for more than 24 hours driving wasn't such a good idea... again accident again no one is hurt... but Killed the axle on the trailer... well we fixed that suprisingly easy to fix a trailer just needed a lief spring and an axle and a few U bolts.... anyway after these accidents have basically made me broke we make it to Pennsic... and all is well except putting up my tent we rip it a bit so some sewing and duct tape later we have the tents up and I go fight and meet people... monday and tuesday night pass with not much going on all that special I meet more psychotic people like me in the SCA and have fun... then Wednesday night roles around and I go in search of my new found friends... which are no where to be found but I end up meeting 3 cute girls (chelsea, alia, and rachel) working for a merchant being models for photos in a 'grotto' basically a mattress with cool pillows and covers... with fake fruit... and by this time it had started raining quite bad and their power went out... so while they tried to convince me to take a picture with them we ended up talking for an hour or more.... took the picture and left again in search of my old friends... whom I couldn't find... so I wandered back to the only people I knew who I wasn't related to, the models, and they were just getting done with work so we hung out for a while and talked... and I basically pass 2 days getting to know Chelsea better Friday comes... and we flood because of 3 days of constant rain... so I had to dig a trench 30 feet long 2 feet deep 1 foot wide... uphill so the water would drain away from others camps... well it kept raining after we got the trench dug and rained a lot harder in fact so hard there was running water on the roads... up to my knee so I said fuck it and watched everything flood and went to hang out with Chelsea, whom I was in the beginnings of a relationship with but I will spare you the details about that... so saturday roles around and we leave... I fill the trench pack everything up and say goodbye to Chelsea after getting her online info... we make it home rather un eventfully... and I get home to find an Email from Chelsea... who had been missing me, as I had been missing her... so move in comes the next day after I get back and we move in... and I am still having to deal with not knowing who my room mate will be but we get everything unpacked and I kick my parents out... a half hour later they call saying they are still in the parking lot.. turns out the spring for the suspension on the driverside front axle broke... but they get towed and everything is good they get home... the next night I get a call from Lexy to call Pat... turns out its her going away party so I go there and spend money I don't have on a dinner... and a bottle of wine because I want one for the dorm room....

So where does all this leave me... In the past few weeks I have had the worst experiences in my life... and the best... one of the two people I like most of those I have met in madison is going to England and I won't see her for a semester, and the other couldn't stand being in Madison so is in Chicago and I don't know when I will see her again... Chelsea lives in Santa Fe(talk about long distance) and while she is considering coming here for school next year who knows what the future will bring... so it seems I might be really lonely around here


oh and I am coming to find that you were right when you said FORD suck the damned minivan has broke down so many times and it doesn't even have 70000 miles on it yet

Current Mood: confused

Its wierd i have this account for about 5 months or so leaving it un updated now i have updated it twice in two days...

anyway today work sucked it was wet slippery and a pain in the ass... and I was the only one who had to harness up and climb around to pitched roof... then i fell off

I slipped from the very bottom of the roof and fell 9 feet to the next roof down... it was lots of fun, ya i know i am psycho, the good part was i gave myself too much line so when i fell i fell all the way and didn't get caught and slammed into the wall that would have hurt a lot

Current Mood: shocked

Well things aren't goin too bad in life at this point... kinda boring missin lots of people but getting to see lots of people I haven't in a long time... Findin out what people really thought of me in highschool has been a shock... I guess I may have been considered a popular kid, who knew?? Work is a bitch but it rained this morning so I didn't have to... then it got really nice outside which is the best kind of rain day

Soon enough I will be able to kiss both my sanity and privacy goodbye in one fell swoop, my brother is coming back home to live, and my step niece will be living with us on 3 weeks off 3 weeks which means i get to room with my brother. Fuckin great now that makes 7 people in this house and 10 times the arguements because no one knows how to keep shit to them damn selves I swear everyone is going completely insane and bringin me with...

so while things aren't goin that bad now looks like the future is somewhat dark